Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Forgot to go too the gym today. That's 3 years in a row

   I hear facebook is going to force everyone to use the new timeline. I don't think I really want to be able to go back on my posts and see how many times I had a bowel movement or sharted myself. I have skeletons in the closet to clean out!!

   You and your rumors have two things in common: you're both fake and you both get around.

   Fat chicks are like a moped, fun as hell until someone catches you on one...

   OMG = Obama Must Go

   please cover your mouth when you're talking to me. I think you have stupid and I don't wanna catch it.

   Subway should have their 6 inch subs on a promotional sale @ 1/2 the cost of the 12inch.. They could have Tupac and Fiftyy cent sing it for them... Tu-Fitty, Tu-Fitty, Tu-Fitty six long!

   When I cross a one way road, I still look both sides... . . Just in case there are any women driving

   I love how people always say they hate drama, yet they're constantly posting their drama on Facebook!

   I hate when I'm texting in class and someone stupid screams, "IS That A Phone"

   Behind every successful status update there is : Ctrl+C & Ctrl+V

   Here's an idea on how our Government function....Democrat stands up in congress and says 'I GOT A REALLY BAD IDEA!!' and the Republican stands up after him and says 'AND I CAN MAKE IT SH!TT!ER!!'

   biggest lie women tell: be honest, I wont get mad

   I must have been extreme snoring last night. I woke up this morning and my uvula was on the ceiling.

   Tragedy strikes Honah Lee, Puff the Magic Dragon was found dead by the sea. Not a good start to the year of the dragon.

   If it's called a walkie talkie,. How come a vacuum isn't called a Pushy sucky?

   We had a happy marriage; it was all that living together afterwards that caused the trouble.

   Back in the day people kept promises. I know this cause plenty of people crossed their hearts and hoped to die and none of them had a needle stuck in their eye!

   Im not a Giants fan but I pay NY taxes so I can root for them whenever I want.

   I found my first grey pubic hair today....normally things like this don't bother me, but it was in my Big Mac.