Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Part of me thought I wouldn't be using a sock as an oven mitt at this point in my life. Another part is like "Big boy is using the stove!"

   Sometimes when a person suddenly has a problem with you, just think the issue isn't really you, it's their meds.

   "Hope you're well" has the same amount of syllables as "rot in hell" and is a much more honest way to sign that email to your ex.

   Whenever I drink whiskey, I turn into Kermit the Frog. I start talking funny, I turn green, and then I end up messing with a fat pig

   there a Hallmark card for "I think it's time we try anal"? There should be.

   So say some animals *were* injured in the making of a film. Is that listed in the credits or what? "Bob hurt one bird. He's very sorry."

   Just saw a redhead drinking Ginger Ale. It looks to be making him stronger. We must stop him before it's too late.

   Women are like canoes. Actually they're really more like kayaks. Which one has the pointy things? OK; I don't understand canoes/women.

   Every person who ever asked if they were bothering me was bothering me

   Lead singers, don't hold the mic out and ask us to sing the chorus. We paid money to watch you do that.

   Reminder - Valentine's Day is only a coupe weeks away, it's not too late to break up.....

   lookin at the cost of medical insureance is making me sick in itself...

   Remember that joke "How do you spell icup?" Think Steve Jobs came up with it??

   My car runs on gas.. Not friendship. So pay the f*ck up.

   wondering if the dude who went postal back in the day went through the same crap I'm going through today...

   It's never too early to start drinking for St. Patrick's Day. There are only 52 days left.

   Jay Cutler's protection fails him again!!

   We live in a world where you spell world as would

   Just because you change a earlier post from Mom to Dad or Brother to Sister doesn't make it any funnier !!

   STOP with complaining about unoriginal cut n pasted jokes and contribue your own