Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If homosexuals are going to hell, the interior design down there is going to be fabulousss.

   it is impossible for any man to walk past a punching bag and not hit it at least twice

   I like to drink before I go to the movies, it loosens me up so I can talk to the people around me.

   Im having a problem in Call Of Duty, I go to the menu and... alright by now the girls have stopped reading this, anyone know any good porn sites?

   The hell with what song was number one when I was born, I wanna know what kinky $hit my parents were listening to when I was conceived.

   I just watched Godzilla backwards. It's like, it's about this dinosaur who insanely pieces a city back together, then moonwalks into the ocean.

   Women's Ass Sie Study..30% of women think their ass is too fat..10% of women think their ass is too skinny..The reminaing 60% say they dont care,they love him,he's a good man & they wouldn"t trade him for the world!

   I've been missing my wife lately.... but my aim is improving

   I never get tired of a woman saying oh my God its so big when I pull down my pants.

   peeing and sneezing at the same time is never a good combination.

   If you want to know anything, come over to my house...my wife apparently knows everything.

   "Dad! There's a monster under my bed!" "That's silly. There's no mOH MY GOD! IT'S TEARING MY ARM OFF! Just kidding. It only eats kids. Goodnight..."

   To save time, I like to show up to my doctor's appointment already wearing a paper gown.

   Every person who ever asked if they were bothering me was bothering me.

   I don't wanna speak to soon, but the new iPhone is way better at taking pictures of my wiener in the dark than the old one.

   Being a nobody and getting your head pumped up by a bunch of other nobodys does NOT make you a somebody. 0 + 0 is still 0...Just FYI...

   What's the difference between a woman and a mermaid? Nothing, they're both lady on top and fishy down there!

   The guy next door is a sleeptalker. The girl in the other room is too quiet. We're all being monitored by people in white uniforms...

   When I get a chick's facebook birthday notification and it's some name I don't know, I'll look to see if she's hot. If she's not...no shout out. I hate myself.

   Girls don't fart. That sound you hear is actually baby unicorns being released into the world to sprinkle sugar on cookies