Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   rihannas forehead would be perfect for imax movies

   Now that I have hit 40, I need to be careful about what I eat and drink and make sure I am getting my nutrients. That is why I just added pulp-free Orange Juice to my Vodka. I wonder if Metamucil will mix with Bourbon? Hmmmmm.....

   Fact: No woman has ever shot a man while he is doing the dishes!

   Boy: "Can I buy you a drink?"..................... Girl: "Alcohol is bad for my legs"........... Boy: "Why? Do they Swell?".....Girl: "No, they spread."

   I must be a lesbian trapped in a man's body... 'coz when I see an "all you can eat" sign, my mouth gets so wet...

   i still know what you did last summer........... cos you posted it on facebook!

   doesn't care what the #1 song was the day he was born.

   People with a Bluetooth look like they're communicating with Douchebag Mission Control.

   I started an Alcohol Free Diet today. So if its Free, I drink it.

   Yawning is the body's way of saying '10% Battery Remaining'.

   Always have a fake name at the ready so you don't tell the cops something stupid, like "Andrew Granola."

   "Nobody panics when things go according to plan. Even if the plan is horrifying." - The Joker

   I just drank a manly Dr. Pepper 10 and now my balls are too big to fit in my pants.

   Instead of knowing what the #1 song was when you were born it would be cool if it could tell you what the #1 song will be when you die. That way when you start hearing it on the radio, you'll know that the end is near.

   Joe Paterno has died....Now Penn State students can riot again and break more $hit.

   The best thing about Africa is that you never get Facebook updates about what people are eating.

   How exactly is carrying a screaming two year old different from playing the bagpipes?

   if you get caught cheating run...

   rip joe paterno - his glasses will be donated to science and studied to see if they allow you to see anything!!

   "What do you mean the Broncos played last week?" -God