Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   you know some fairy tales begin with “Once upon a time…” Others begin with “If elected, I promise…”

   shocked to learn his son has been telling lies at school.....I've got no kids!

   My piss constantly smells of Sugar Puffs, The doctor asked me today if it hurts? I said "Only when the free plastic toy comes out."

   so does this mean there are no more Kodak moments?

   In honor of the #WikipediaBlackout to protest SOPA, I will also be blacking out tonight.

   If a bra is called an 'over the shoulder bolder holder', then what would you call men underwear? Under the butt nut hut?

   Dear radio stations, you do realize there are more than just 5 songs in the world, right?

   I can't be Levi never tried speech wreck ignition soft wear be four. This is sofa king convene Yenta!

   Having trouble with your iPhone saying "No Service"? Just put your shirt and shoes back on.

   Now my friends all hate me because I've been keeping my enemies closer.

   Just read "The Three Musketeers," and it's true, the book is always better than the candy

   It makes me sad that in this age of computers and video games, my children will never understand what it's like to be raised by television.

   Today sucks but I really shouldn't complain. I've got it good compared to...well, dead people.

   In the Costa Concordia movie, the main character should be an Italian cruise ship crash investigator who was planning to retire this week.

   This just in!! The Kodak Film company has filed for bankruptcy......More details to come as the story develops

   The other day I seen this written over a public urinal; "Don't be looking on the wall for something funny because the joke's in your hands!"

   Just fell asleep in a library like a homeless person.

   In class: 2+2=4 Homework: 2+4+2=8 Exam: John had 4 apples. He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun's mass.

   -Grandpa, how the World War III started?- Well kid, one day the FBI closed MegaUpload and MegaVideo, then...

   I love "words with friends" so much I wish they would make it a board game.