Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   i tell ya... Its been one hell of a start for 2012...

   You've gotta admit, cuddling with a giant panda would ALMOST be worth getting your face ripped off.

   Three weeks into 2012. Now don't some of you feel silly for actually believing things were going to get better simply because we pinned a new calendar on the wall?

   Attention Club Lonely... Keep posting those deep, philosophical, pseudo, life enriching quotes on your profiles. It tells the opposite sex what a day at the amusement park you are.

   if I had a penny that fell from above everytime I fell in love...i'll be rolling in my money, everyday would be sunny and i'll be looking forward to my next break up

   The captain of the Costa Concordia is maintaining he only abandoned ship before the passengers because he tripped and fell in to a life boat. I find this very feasible as I once accidently tripped and my pen!s fell in to my wife's sister.

   5 guys for lunch ...the burger place, you sickos

   Blowing inside cartridges was considered "Loading" back in my early years of gaming.

   If SOPA really goes down.... I might murder a government official, armed only with an empty iPod and ear phones...

   Why is congress trying to get involved with PIPA, shes not even from the US

   According to SOPA you can get five years for downloading a Michael Jackson song illegally, that's a year more than the doctor who killed him.

   it true that in prison sometimes a man will try to kiss another gentleman even if he doesn't want to kiss him back?

   You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither

   Time to photoshop my life Touch up the edges, adjust the tones,blur out the background, focus on me, and crop people out...

   "You actually have friends?" ... "Yeah, all 10 seasons on DVD!"

   3am text message "Hey are you asleep?" No I'm scuba diving, what the hell do you want?

   Some of you women need to stop using shovels to apply makeup.

   I can just imagine a conversation between Mike Jones and an owl...

   Sign my online petition to stop online petitions.

   Why isn't "talk like Samuel L. Jackson day" a thing yet?