Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just bought a dream house. Barbie wasn't able to pay the morgage. Sucks to be her!

   Sweetie, we cant afford to see Beauty and the Beast in 3D. How bout instead, we pop in the DVD at home and I'll throw clocks and candlesticks at you while you watch it.

   Gee honey, I would have taken the trash out.. But I slipped and fell into the lifeboat..

   I would play right field and scratch my balls every night for way less than 5 mil a year.

   I'm so old... I grew up in an era where you had to go to channel 3 to play video games.

   "Lets talk about safe IPs. Let's talk about piracy. Let's talk about all the good things and the bad things on your PC."

   When alcohol does it's taxes it claims me as a dependant.

   I'm wearing my pajamas and buying booze at 10 am on a Tuesday…Yeah,,I probably don't need a receipt

   to make American Idol Auditons worth watching, everytime Randy says "yo" take a shot ot your favorite liquor.

   My sofa loves playing hide n' seek with the remotes, clever ba$tard always wins too.

   I was thinkin,,,The obituaries section in the newspaper would be more interesting if they told you how the person died.

   My girlfriend has crabs, I bought her fishnet stockings.

   I never make the same mistake twice. I make it 8 or 9 times, just to be sure.

   I love American Idol. Except for the judges, the singers, and Ryan Seacrest.

   I'm assuming everyone else also spent the whole day stockpiling downloaded porn to their computer too; just in case SOPA passes, right guys?

   So Paula Deen has come out and said she has diabetes. All I need now is the Man vs. Food guy to have an acute myocardial infarction and the bizarre food guy to die of food poisoning and I win my “professional eating disorders” trifecta wager.

   How I view dogs: Beagle, German Shepherd, Poodle, Pitbull, Labrador. How I view cats: Cat, cat, cat, cat.

   I'm so old, I grew up in an era where your 3D was a View Masters and you sit in the living room clickin about 15 slides. There's your Movie in HD and 3D!!!

   Am I an a55hole because the cruise ship thing doesn't seem like a big deal? I mean, there's some rocks RIGHT THERE!

   I emailed my congressman about SOPA and PIPA. I have no doubt that the government will not care though. . . To prove it, I got an auto reply so they will not read it.