Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Anybody ever notice Mr. Crabs and Popeye have the same laugh?

   Im not fat at all, I just enjoy washing dishes in my belly button

   If you don't cut your hair with a Flowbee, you are probably too high maintenance for me.

   On the bright side...Aaron Rodgers can now do all the comercials he wants

   Just when I thought there was hope for humanity, I walked into Walmart. We're all doomed.

   Hey Green Bay I bet your having a lot of W(H)INE with your cheese tonight.

   Rather than waste money going to strip clubs I can save it by just staying here on Facebook and watch some sluts' profile pics.

   cant have an openly religious football player in the NFL, that would be bad. it needs more accused murderers, rapists and morons who shoot themselves in the leg.

   a good driver discount, a good student discount. what about a watching an anoying lizard in a stupid comercial discount?

   What makes you laugh... might surely make someone else laugh. And with laughter... comes smiles... and with smiles... comes happiness! It can be that simple!

   I hope my CEO doesn't come here as the Undercover Boss cause I'd be like, "Ahh, don't worry about that mess. It'll be there tomorrow... BREAK TIME!"

   I am never affected, moved or swayed by the sheer numbers of people in any particular group for I know that even idiots and fools know how to congregate.

   Judging from Axl Rose's physique, Paradise City has green grass, pretty girls and an abundance of Twinkies.

   I wonder if young people on honeymoons today have as much sex as we did when I was young. For the first week on our cruise, most people thought my wife and I were Siamese twins.

   Hostess is filing for bankruptcy? Buy all the twinkles, zingers, and ho's ho's as you can! D:

   On this day remember an American Legend, Robert E. Lee, someone worth remembering.

   I guess it did mean "Discount Double Check" after all

   I have sexdaily. Oops, I mean sexilady...no, sexydial...uh isexlady...no, I really mean sexyladi...um ladiesxy? Dyslexia - there that's it!

   Raisin cookies that look like chocolate chip cookies is the main reason why I have trust issues.

   Happy "Most of Alabama Hates This Day" Day!