Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   GUYS: If you're lookin' for an easy bang, any girl that has her Blackberry PIN in her bio is the answer.

   Golf is like sex. If you're playing somewhere classy, wash your balls first.

   Mexican and black jokes are pretty much all the same. Once you've heard Juan, you've heard Jamal.

   Ghetto word of the day: COLOGNE. Usage: "You think you cologne me a dollar or two?"

   What's my favorite animal? A Grey Goose duh,,

   Yo, Momma got a Ticket for driving in the HOV Lane ...She told the officer "I didn't see that v up there".

   People who check behind their shower curtains for murderers. If you do find one, what's your plan?

   BOP IT! TWIST IT! PULL IT! ..... And that's how I lost my pen1s.

   The other day I went for a job interview, do you think it was a bad idea to ask if they ever press charges?

   Figure out what you want otherwise others will just string you along to accomplish what THEY want.

   I'm more frustrated than a homosexual with tonsilitis on Valentine's Day!

   in TIME OUT because riding the dog like it's Small Horse is frowned upon in this establishment...

   wondering what to do. I used my last Post-It Note and have no idea how to remind myself to get more...

   I hate when ppl say near miss, shouldnt it be a near hit?

   Pretty sure Brazil has an enormous wax museum.

   I wanted to bake a cake from scratch, but I'm out of scratch.

   Apparently, the answer "I Know" is not a good answer when your friend tells you how good his girlfriend is in bed

   My Masseuse just read 'Cinderella' to me ~ That's the last time I ask for a happy ending.

   The best person to get thrown in jail with would have to be the Kool-Aid Man.

   Friends are like trees. They both fall down after being hit multiple times with an ax.