Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   We all have chapters, in our lives, we don't want published. Be reminded though that it's those chapters which make the book worth reading.

   I guess I should come up with a plan B in case the murderer that breaks into my house figures out how to get this blanket off of me.

   Why I wear thick, fluffy socks: 1% Comfort 1% Warmth 98% Increased ability to slide across floor like a fricken ninja on an invisible surfboard

   I don't think I could be friends with anyone desperate enough to choose me as their emergency contact.

   My cats think I'm the best cook.

   It's a small world. Unless you gotta walk home.

   Rhinos are really just old, fat unicorns. Don't argue. you know i'm right.

   Dr. Phil died. I mean... he's dead to me. Close enough.

   Nothing excites me more than seeing my knife shine in the moonlight. Now I wait.

   My friend's 3 year old asked me to marry her today & I said yes, but now I don't want to. (She's mean & she dresses weird)

   I wish this conversation had GPS because you lost me about 20 words ago.

   If there is a good chance your son will go to prison as an adult , don't name him Vivian .

   Man posted "saved 30 people from a fire" 2 ppl like this, female half naked in her pic posted "the mail man didnt come today"= 65 ppl like this

   All the stupid Tebow trolls can GFY... Brady is gods chosen son sorry Bronco fans...

   She just kept b!tching about me drinking to much beer, so I said I could deal with this hangover better if you would shut the f^ck up.

   5 years and nine months after you do it doggy style...prepare to feel guilty by the products puppy eyes!

   "As an alternative to dieting, I'm going to simply refer to myself as "value-sized"."

   "I love to cook with wine, sometimes I even put it in the food."

   "Dear life, When I said "can my day get any worse?" it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge."

   Its one of those «Depends» mornings.... That's where you have to pee real bad and don't want to get out of bed. But if you had «Depends» on you probably wouldnt;;;;;;;