Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I never banng a blakc chikk, not 'cause I'm rasis it's just that I'm more of a "run my fingers through her hair" kinda guy.

   We now live in a time where people choose their insurance providers based on who's TV commercial is funnier

   No, it's not OK to call him "tardy", but if he does it again it's OK to call him a "re-tard".

   I bought a bag of air that contained some chips

   The only thing more stressful than a blind date is meeting a new drug dealer for the first time.

   Why do people complain about how broke/poor they are sitting at the bar drinking beer and smoking cigarettes?

   wondering if I'll still be able to get funny updates for my facebook on Jan.18th once the SOPA bill takes effect. Wait, will I even have a Facebook??!?

   "Dude she has a bf" " Yeah so? Soccer has a goalie, doesn't mean you can't score"

   I like jury duty because it's a fun reminder that one day my life could be in the hands of a guy wearing Velcro shoes.

   4000 women in Scotland may have breast implants with silicone intended for mattresses. Imagine. Boobs with memory foam and sleep numbers.

   Happy Beer the 13th

   go out tonight and sow your wild oats, then wake up tomorrow and pray like hell for crop failure.

   men always notice it's cold when their nipples become larger than their balls

   What concert ticket costs 0.45 cents? .... 50 cent Feat. Nickleback....

   If you ever hire me to work for you, don't pay me money, pay me with 12 cases of beer. That's where all the money is going anyway!

   I was gonna update my status, but then I got high.

   "We found lunch in a homeless place" - Rihanna in a soup kitchen

   Anti-obesity ads featuring fat kids are causing controversy in Georgia. Unfortunately, none of them are forced to to the "truffle shuffle."

   can't make it rain cause, my coupons might drown me! xD

   Fact: you can't wake someone who has Parkinson up by shaking him.