Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis

   "The Greek Freak forgot the recipe to success. You run team to team chasing championships." Lebron James

   May you all have a prosperous New Year in 2023. (I may need to borrow some money)

   A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.

   Do you know why the call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.

   Instagram. The wonderful world of women with daddy issues and father figure complexes.

   If the president-elect (Donald Trump) wants Canada as the 51st state, we’ll send him a box of Snow, Poutine, and Free Speech to remind him we’re better off up north.

   The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.

   Marriage tip: If your wife comes home in a bad mood and starts an argument for no reason like she does from time to time, just use this simple phrase: "My mom was right about you". This usually does the trick and stops the argument.

   Where are the water cannon trucks? Give them turds a flush.

   Has Missouri ever done a tourism ad with the slogan ‘Missouri Loves Company?’ If not, what is even the point of Missouri?

   Mike Hunt is Tight and Juicy

   I've decided my 2025 will start on February 1st. January is a free trial month.

   Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree

   Us Germans are pleading for you Amercians not to fall for Trumps and Elons tricks because we've seen it before and people are still saying we're overreacting. It's a shame. But good luck, because you will all need it.

   DOGE has found so much fraud that not a single person has been charged with fraud. And in case you were wondering? Yes. Melania's still a wh*re 😂

   My education was dismal. I went to a series of schools for mentally disturbed teachers

   I have 3 Brazilian Wax Appointments for Tuesday afternoon. Inbox me for time. ❤️

   Hope you blokes are enjoying the extreamly cold weather. God knows you people deserve it.

   How many times does you know that we only have certain things in because you are not doing only what he wanted for who did you think about the twelve sheep in my yard are eating the boots inside out they need.