Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There are two types of people in this world, those who finish a joke and those that

   Marriage tip 101: Whenever you do something good for your wife, make sure to let her know. For example: "Hey honey, I put all the laundry by the laundry machine. That way you can wash the clothes after you get done with dinner."

   I came home today to find my wife has been on Ebay all day long... If she's still on there tomorrow, I'd have to lower the price.

   If you sit behind me honking your horn for letting a car into traffic I'm going to super polite and wait to let the next five cars to pull out into traffic as well.

   My wife and I got in a car accident today. She was behind the wheel driving, and I was on the outside of the car getting hit by it.

   But Donald Trump is greater than Jesus Christ! If you don't think that, then you're nothing but a traitorous RINO!!!!

   Muffins – for folks who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.

   When you both say goodnight & run into each other at the bar 😭

   Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.

   So long DEI. So long fruit pickers. Thank you, 47.

   How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?

   You want to make everything electric? Let's start with the border fences.

   My Sons Teacher: December 21st Saturn and Jupiter will align to make a Christmas Star

   By def: ALL 'culture' is stereotype. Ok maybe the old cultures are monotype, WTH?

   I find it annoying when old people poke me at wedding and say "you'll be next." So I started to do the same thing to them at funerals.

   If the wheels on the bus go round and round all day long. When does the bus driver get any sleep?

   Looking at my kitchen junk drawer I think I finally have enough miscellaneous things accumulated to build a spaceship to get off this rock!

   since camping spoons are white, are they still considered "silverware" or should they be called "whiteware" ?

   Some guy: "Bro, I got a limo for me and my friends! In your face!" Me: "Wow. You have 90 dollars."

   Why can't we guys have simple, friendly conversations with women on Messenger without them immediately thinking we're in a relationship with them? Press 1 for pathetic.