Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sorry, I meant to say why does Trump keep bringing up Biden's past. Sorry for the mistake.

   Yo I'm not even American and I hate your your dumb a$$ . Justin Bieber just send me a text from Canada he said he hates your dumb A$$ wait wait Jose Rodriguez from Mexico email me and said ( te odio maldito idiota)

   Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.

   The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.

   people who hate Ed Hardy clothes are the ones who cant afford them

   They should make a Morning After pill for people who eat an entire large pizza the night before.

   Don't laugh at adults that still believe in Santa Clause, we have adults that still believe in Joe's build back better.

   Sometimes you just have to play the role of a fool in order to fool the fool who thinks they are fooling you.

   I don’t like to brag, but I only buy the organic free-range Cadbury® Eggs.

   me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry

   I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.

   Rand Paul has been tested positive for Coronavirus. Yes!!!! Thank you lord! Thank you Jesus Christ!

   This morning I removed my sleep shorts and put on my boxer shorts and then put on a pair of normal shorts. Worst short story ever...

   They say vapor-rub is good for a stomach ache.. but I think it tastes terrible.. and it gave me diarhrea...

   Being in a relationship is solving problems together; Problems you wouldn't have if you were single.

   Took some kids to Disneyland and overheard a 13 year old boy wondering if he may be pansexual since he loves skillets,” The movie "Idiocracy" had nothing on this woke society

   My home security system is a series of paintings on the wall with the eyes cut out.

   Dear God, I could have wished a happy Father's day but decided against it considering how an absent, unaring and neglecting dead-beat dad you have been. I bet Kanye West would make a better father than you.

   had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before

   You know All my life I’ve wanted to learn to juggle. I just never had the balls to do it.