Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've just clicked on my phone's front camera by mistake, Yoh never been this terrified in my life!!!

   Balls - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your girlfriend with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

   My girlfriend said she wants our relationship to be like a fairy-tale. So I've trapped her in her gran's bedroom with a wolf.

   OMG the internet is broken. I just searched for pictures of bare naked ladies and all I found was a bunch of pictures of old fat guys.

   Throw a drink at Tomi Lahren? In this economy?

   . There's a book on The Cures for aches and pains by Dr. Artur Ritis

   if the "space force" ever drops a dirty bomb on Uranus, they better call it "operation taco bell"

   I wanna date a lady who has been through the worst,who has been lied to,cheated on,heart broken So that I can finish her off. 😒

   If you fart and it doesn't stink, should you be concern?

   Every time I try dating I get a new sister.

   The Gluttony scene from Se7en really isn’t torture if you love spaghetti and want to die.

   If you cannot afford GYM membership, you can at least afford a Deodorant!

   I planted a loaf of Ezekiel bread. It grew into a tree filled with cuckoo birds quoting verses from the Old Testament.

   I hope one day The Rock opens a restaurant so I can finally smell......What the Rock is cooking

   I notice that mitch mcconnell sounds like James Cagney when he played a gangster in the movies ?

   We were so poor, that when I was a baby I instead of wearing diapers, my parents paper trained me.

   Whatever God was smoking when he invented the platypus, I want some.

   You can trust fat people. We don't do crimes it's too much work. We just want to eat and watch the food network.

   Toilet: For the sh*t that comes out of your a$$ facebook/Twitter: For the sh*t that comes out of your brain

   Lil' Wayne Lost his Mountain Dew endorsement over "creative differences" for his Emmett Till reference in his song called "Karate Chop (remix)" ... Now remember, silence is foolish if we are wise, but wise if we are foolish.