Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You can only listen to so much Barry Gibb.

   I wonder if Santa will be wearing a mask during his visit to my house this year?

   Guess who's not getting anything for father's day....Bruce Jenner

   Just sliced my tongue open by eating ham with a knife because I was too lazy to grab a fork.

   Gnomes Favorite Song: I'm Sexy and I Gnome It.

   Immigrants can either take Trump's "purity" test, or have the fastest time in the American Ninja obstacle course.

   She said she liked the new guy at work, so I had him fired...!

   It is gonna be awkward in the hall today when Jared runs into Sean and asks him what the holocaust Center is.

   Woke up this morning to find mets In 1st place . Then I realized my phone was upside down

   I'll never understand someone from upstate NY bragging about their food. Listen up, Schenectady, you're not NYC, you're Vermont Jr.

   I'm patiently awaiting a Chris Cornell/Chester Bennington mashup.

   Can someone please invent a screen protector for smartphones that doesn't peel up on the corners? Thank you.

   When you get to be my age, older women interested in younger men are no longer classified as Cougars. Especially in my case. They're more like Laughing Hyenas.

   The After Christmas Diet: Breakfast: Leftover lasagna Lunch: Leftover lasagna Dinner: Leftover lasagna Dessert: Leftover lasagna Beverage: Fresh squeezed leftover lasagna

   There was a break-in at the local Apple Store. Police are looking for iWitnesses.

   Don't forget to set your country back 50 years today!!

   [] <- This is my box. I don't want to think outside it, I like my box! No, you can't touch my box! No touchy my box!

   Black Friday: Because only in America, people trample ovee others for sales exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have.

   I was driving to fast and to furious this morning and had to swerve to miss a tree, only to realize that is was an air-freshner hanging from the rear view mirror

   I ran over a big fat guy in a red outfit last night.