Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Things have changed so much like 4000 years ago if you killed a lion and could fix people's teeth you would have been the king of everything

   Cosby is going to be meeting bubba and will really get some "pudding in his cloud"

   be like doctor strange, he saw the end of infinity war 14 million times and he never said a spoiler

   There’s a tunnel at the end of the light

   My lesbian neighbors got me a timex for my birth day. But I don't think they understood when I said I wana watch.

   "You're not liked as much as you think you are. And those who do, like the money you have."

   The three wonders of the world. Single guys that make wonders happen. Guy with girlfrineds that see wonders happen. Married guys wonder what happen.

   I have an “L” shaped sofa. Lower case.

   "Shrekticles" because, you know....

   With all the Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas iteam for sale at the sametime in the stores they should call it Hallogivemas sale.

   It should be a Thanksgiving tradition that one of the football games be the Patriots vs the Redskins.

   Engineer: A short circuit in the deer's nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it's dangerous. But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?

   Today I saw a homeless man pick up a brochure for a computer repairer. I guess he's having computer problems?

   To the NBA post: what are you, stupid? NBA players criticized those communist countries all the time. What the hell is wrong with you?

   I bet the creators of The Brady Bunch had no idea how much impact they would have on the porn industry...

   Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight. I'm just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.

   Living check to check is fine til you go from "Think I'll treat myself to a $7 latte" to "Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs."

   Before Facebook Instagram and all these social networks we have today, when I was a kid if we went around and showed all our friends our Selfies they would think that we were really committed, or should be.

   Anyone have a lot of unused pregnancy tests? Hate to see all this pee go to waste.

   If you know anyone home alone for Christmas let me know! I need to borrow their chairs...