Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You can tell a lot about a woman by the way she organizes body parts in her freezer.

   Hate it when the kids can't find their shoes. It really cuts into our time working together to find mommy's keys...and phone...and shoes.

   To this day I can't drink a third cup of coffee without thinking of Jessie Spano and the caffeine pill damage of 1990.

   it just me or are there a whole lot of folks who get that stupid prompt to download the latest apple itunes and quicktime update 5 times a week??

   My stripper name would be "Placebo Effect".

   I went into the bathroom without my phone and now I know all the ingredients of cleaning solutions.

   Sure it's nice to let your kids be independent, but sometimes it's also nice to not have ketchup all over your kitchen.

   Don't call 911 when you hear screaming and yelling at one of my family gatherings. We're Greek, and just having fun cooking dinner.

   Why is my kid in the living room doing cartwheels when I put her to bed an hour ago?

   Can't wait to watch The Walking Dead tonight...otherwise known as the most anticipated commercial break event of the year

   You know a restaurant must be serving bad food when you see a mouse throwing up in the restroom.

   Gave my boss a mother's day card. Because "he" is one of the top ten mothers on my list.

   I don't know what I ever signed up for facebook, I mean like seriously, this dating website sucks!

   I am not who you think I am. YOU, are who you think I am.

   One day many years ago there was a man who didn't drink any beer. But it was many years ago and it was only for that one day...

   him: you’re not like other girls me, at the urinal next to him: how

   Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake? Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.

   I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.

   If your grandma got run over by a reindeer, you may be entitled to compensation...Cal 1800 HURT HAHA!

   My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”