Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Aww. You shouldn't have" is woman for "if you didn't, you better start praying"

   I lost money in the John Wayne toilet paper co. The T.P. was so ruff it wouldn't take sh*t off of anybody.

   To help curve the Coronavirus I've only hung out with three of my Facebook friends all year, just like last year.

   I often wonder what would have been had John Lennon decided to stay home that night.

   First rule of Dad Club is hey are you paying attention here, you need to know how to change a tire, hand me a wrench not that one the other one.

   You are less likely to kill your family during a long car trip if you are playing Travel BINGO.

   "1-800-Yankees." - My reply when someone asks me to give them a phone number

   "1-800-Yankees." - My reply when someone at a store asks me to give them a phone number.

   Always Put This On Your Online Dating Profile: My hobbies include taking LSD and rescuing stray dogs.

   You think the world is conflicted now? Wait until we discover a new inhabitable planet and then try to figure which races and religions to take there.

   I am a male feminist because I have a genetic history of women in my family. As it turns out, my grandmothers and my mother were ALL women.

   2016 Olympics Events: Opening ceremonies-100m Brazilian Wax Free-Style-Zika Pole Vault-Let's Be Difficult And Speak Portuguese While Most other S American Countries Speak Spanish Decathlon-100m Butterfly and Mosquito Swim For Gold.

   Me: I sure do Love watching the Olympic Girls Volleyball Games because they are So Talented. Wife: Yea Right

   Very worried that the Olympics might get rid of fencing back when they got rid of landscaping and freestyle carpentry.

   currently in the county jail trying to explain to the man in uniform that I was playing pokemon, trying to catch a pikachu when he caught me looking in your window.

   The sound of college vending machines is the sound of me never getting the body I want.

   Most people don't realize the phrase "I could eat a horse" came from Dolph Lundgren after he ate every last unicorn in existence.

   I wish my typing skills were as good as the people in the movies.

   Life is like a picnic: there are ants, hornets, bad potato salad, locked public bathrooms when your kid can't hold it, people, spotty cell recep......

   At show-and-tell, it's the kid with the Weebles who gets the raves. You hide your Perry Como album in the desk and tell Mrs. Yee you forgot.