Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My therapist once told me, "Sarah, no one is taking advantage of you." Feeling a bit better I asked how much was the co-pay. He said "I don't know how much do you got?"

   and XX are now friends via the 'People You May Know Who Are a Tool' tool.

   Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

   I'm scouring the periodic table for the element of surprise. I'm more anxious than the AZ Governor in a Cinco de Mayo parade.

   lets just melt the ice... that will stop the smoke and i'll be on the plane again!!!

   Egotism - usually just a case of mistaken non-entity.

   A lie is just a great story somebody ruined with the truth.

   Yes I'm going old and yes I'm going bold, I know because it's taking longer and longer for me to wash my face in the morning!

   When making your point, length times width times height speaks volumes.

   new twinkie diet???? I been on that one since I was 5 yrs old!

   hopes Prince Harry doesn't wear one of his special party costumes to his brother's nuptuals.

   If only dumb people were smart enough to know how dumb smart people were they wouldn't feel so stupid.

   With fame I become more and more stupid, which of course is a very common phenomenon.

   if everyone I knew was an artist and they could paint their lives on a canvas, then I'm afraid I would see far too many people using sandpaper instead of a paintbrush. Tragic.

   one good wish changing nothing, one good decision changes everything!

   found the SPOT Tonites gonna b a good good nite...

   often thought of getting into the petroleum industry, but drilling for oil is boring.

   A dry sense of humor is better than slobbering all over the place.

   Before you repent, make sure you have sinned

   told his secretary this morning that her vocabulary was abominable to which she responded by asking me to keep her stocmach out of the question!