Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whenever they show the crowd at Yankees stadium...every Yankees fan looks like an out of shape Paulie Malignaggi.

   Does anyone else notice that if you mention the clown HEre they try to bury it?

   #BeBest - Excludes 16 year old girls with Asperger's

   Corona Virus,NO NOT THE BEER PLEASE GOD NO!!🍺

   My idea of surf and turf is salt water taffy served on Easter grass.

   what do you call it when a cow is sitting down? ... ground beef

   So Joe Exotic was the first gay man to run for president not Mayor Pete #TigerKing

   Animal rights activists are currently looking for rabbits to volunteer for vaccine testing.

   I wonder if Buzz and Woody ever met some of Andy's mom's toys. Especially since they probably have the same names...

   I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.

   Some girls be claiming "hes my world" but this is your fourth "world" in 2 months. My sister, are you building a solar system??

   I'm not saying all Uber drivers are bad drivers, but 100% of Uber drivers are bad drivers

   There was kidnapping at our local school today. The teacher woke him up and told him not to do it again.

   it just me, or do all the Trumps grin like Cheshire Cats because of their oversized veneers?

   Please leave these cops alone. Killing humans is addictive af, especially when you are protected by the law.

   AwesoME ends with ME and Ugly starts with U.

   I was told the clocks go back this weekend, but I can't remember where I bought them...

   I have to go shopping. I got run over by a steam roller yesterday and need to get me a pair of size 200 x 14 pants.

   The earliest bird gets the worm, and the second mouse gets the cheese

   I'll never understand when someone says that they hate to drink water. To me, that's like saying you hate breathing. "Hey, uh, would you happen to have something to breathe other than air?"