Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hey ... Santa saw your Facebook pictures .... Santa saw your Facebook pictures. … Looks like you're going to be getting some clothes and a Bible for Christmas ....

   I don't understand why people buy Christmas trees just to throw them away a month later. Heck ... Do they think Christmas trees grow on trees?

   Girls just wanna have fun, guys just wanna have funds!

   [date night].. Waiter: How is everything?... Me: *whispers... Waiter: Sir?.... Wife: *sigh,, He says his carrots are touching his peas.

   Lesson learned: Never try to make pizza dough in the washing machine without first turning off the hoses. Okay. Never try to make pizza dough in the washing machine, period.

   "Dating" is an anachronistic, nebulous means of defining a relationship. All it means is both parties are duping each other into some degree of permanency. Wait...that's marriage. I meant marriage.

   Does anyone else think that maybe the bright side could be self-conscious?

   Me: You are always so argumentative. Wife: No I'm not. Me: See?

   How dumb am I? I'm so dumb, I put a battery in a glass of water to make an energy drink.

   I've been eating Cheerios for years and never once have I felt like dancing before, during or after eating them

   Make sure you've got something of yourself left over for the ones that love you. 3 replies 65 retweets 121 likes

   I'm too smart to be happy.

   Spoiler alert. It's sour cream

   I asked my Alexa if she had any pets? who replied "I don’t have any pets. I used to have a few bugs, but they kept getting squashed"

   Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way

   My Mom sent me a friend request.... BLOCKED, you not one of my lil friends remember?

   My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.

   Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you Husband: well you’re here with me Me: oh yeah Husband: and we’re at a funeral

   Everyone saying the world has gone mad while pointing at each other is proof the world has gone mad.

   Thanks I'll be here till 11, don't forget to tip your waitress she's my only ride home.