Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   People think I'm not very bright because I spell cat with a k: cak.

   my yard is so white it got nominated for an Academy Award

   Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative.

   They let Robocop keep his human mouth because eating pu$$y is a valuable crime-fighting technique.

   My wife is so fat, that she only needs a cup of water in the tub to take a bath.

   Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.

   Think you're having a bad day? I sneezed while taking a piss this morning...

   Who's your daddy takes on a whole new meaning in the ghetto.

   Bet if the block voters wore MAGA hats, they would not of had a problem registering to vote.

   Just found out other countries like bahamas, Africa and Russia are issue warnings not to travel to the US if you're a black person. When is Syria going to issue there warning?

   Hey, law enforcement. Arrest and question every black guy with dreads. I have a hunch.

   The Republicans and the Libertarians should merge their Presidential tickets. Then Trump could really talk about his Johnson!

   If Hillary were President, she would be all, I am sorry, I am not sorry, I am sorry, I am not sorry, I am sorry, I am not sorry, What the hell, I am PMS'n leave me the f#ck alone. . .

   Why did the blonde tip toe near the medicine cabinet? Because she didn’t want to wake the sleeping pills.

   Dear Santa, To be safe I'll be staying home for Christmas, so please just drop my presents on my porch and don't bother coming down the chimney. Thanks!

   Q-Tip. A d!ldo for the ear.

   For the young folks who don't know who Nelson Mandela is, he was like the Cliff Huxtable to South Africa's Theo.

   Does anyone have like ten thousand dollars they don't want

   I bought one of those cloned (stolen form Target) credit cards on the black market and as luck would have it, I ended up buying my own.

   Twas the morning before Christmas & all across Facebook, friends awake, houses aglitter. Coffee in hand pondering this day & the things that matter.....