Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "I want all the Deplorables suicided" - Hillary Clinton, probably

   I'm more like Elvis than most Elvis impersonators. I look nothing like him. I dress nothing like him. I sing nothing like him. It's just that women throw their underwear at me. I live in a dryer.

   Know what makes me mad? When I get a Cornucopia that has no corn or ucopia.

   I hated hand-me-down clothing growing up ............. I had two older sisters

   I am way too stoned to drive drunk officer .

   I'm the proud grandfather of a new baby boy. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

   pretty sure my girlfriend got her superpowers from being bit by a radioactive female dog.

   You know you're lowering expectations when you no longer care about raising a Pres. but someone who can flush a toilet.

   a president with sex tapes...gee, I'm glad we didn't put a Clinton in office again

   Global Warming Upside all thanks to the Republicans: Beach Front property in Oklahoma.

   Plans for St. Patrick's Day next year involve putting green dye into some corona's, sitting in my room alone, and watching Supernatural.

   I was just informed that The Purge: Independence Day is just a movie. Does anyone know a good defense attorney?

   The FIRST Rule of Marriage Club is .... She's ALWAYS Right.

   Any of you folks finding that a litter box is just more convenient than a toilet?

   Can we stop calling it medical marijuana and go back to just calling it marijuana yet?

   I was ending my email with 'regards' and didn't realize I hit the 'T' button instead of the 'G'

   Instead of Olympic Gold, Silver or Bronze medals, winners receive copies of a Purple Heart made in China. Losers are fired.

   Breaking news!!!! US Airforce seen dropping naked Trump statues onto an ISIS Stronghold In Northern Syria!!!!!

   Heyyyy Chill out. Were NOT building a wall... Just kidding D-Bagz , of course we are.

   Which one of the Ten Commandments says: Thou Shalt Not Eat Meat On Friday?