Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What happens in the shower stays in the shower....... Bet your loofah has some interesting stories it can tell

   Just because it's considered cool to recycle rubbish nowadays, it doesn't mean it's cool to give your cheating ex another chance.

   Sad news out of Ohio. The inventor or the helicopter ejection seat died from severe head trauma.

   What's the matter with you guys? Did you break your laugh box or something?

   Dear men, Life without women...... Would literally be a pain in the a$$!

   What I if told you, you read that first part wrong?

   using Just For Men on your mother in laws mustache at night wrong ? Asking for a friend ..

   ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat. NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like? ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.

   Had a bad mix-up at Walmart today.... When the cashier said strip down facing me, apparently she was referring to my credit card!

   dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking? me: I don't know why dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that's why

   Question of the day: If you could stop this virus and save everyone or have Bill Gates money, what color would your Lamborghini be?

   My friend comes up to me and says "Hey I smell weed!" I said "Why aren't you 6 feet away?"

   $50 bucks for a 3lb Honey Baked Ham. It sure better come with Honey, and her sister.

   “No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk. So y

   A gross miscalculation is 144 times worse than a regular miscalculation.

   Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?

   Just watching the news who said "The coronavirus is affecting the most dense populated aria's" but think they meant to say "densely" but maybe not.

   If someone has "some colledge" listed on their education history, the fact that they misspelled "college" is a pretty good indication that "some 3rd grade" is probably a more accurate assessment.

   Got a box from amazon with a Hitachi, three kittens, a bottle of whiskey, some xanax, and apartment keys. The card said, "Happy Divorce"

   I'm SO looking forward to Disney's new Brazilian Wax theme park. Yes, I'm talking about EPTWAT.