Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You're aying, "There’s a monkey that’s an astronaut but you’re just some guy writing jokes for strangers on the Internet." َ A loyal stranger is better than a greedy and two faced friend.

   Gas so high in Brockton that it hasn't been a drive-by in 2 months.”

   I sat in my stand for hours with not one deer coming by. Then in a matter of minutes, I bag 4 big bucks! Thanks to the Deer Hunter Game, my morning wasn't a total loss.

   There is no difference between a camel and a moose...unless you're looking at their toes and their knuckles.

   Nothing for the spank bank at the gym today. Did have a few eat less motivators, though.

   Can your tongue come out to play with my tongue?

   If you can't be a nice person then at least be really good looking.

   At the 2010 Winter Olympics, I brought home the gold for smushing down the garbage so I don't have to bring it outside.

   I've only been in this city 2 nights and already there are 4 bars I can never go back to

   Sorry I set up a smoke machine and played The Undertaker's theme song at your grandmother's funeral.

   What happens when you eat pizza everyday for every meal? Asking for a ninja turtle.

   There is a thin line between girlfriend allowance and a prostitute's fee. Jokes.

   keep your friends close, your shotgun closer.

   Circus Peanuts, Little Debbie jelly rolls and all the ingredients for meth.

   I think women should be put on the front lines of any military assault force once a month. PMS+ gun = unstoppable.

   Coffee is that one friend who believes in you and always wants you to succeed.

   Why you miserable cork-soaker!

   Single Awareness Day....this is going to be a S.A.D. day

   my mature level IS , I still giggle when singing about nuts in christmas carols

   If my glass is half full then I start wondering where my bartender is.