Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How can anyone think 295 people dying is funny?

   I wish McDonalds sold a hot dog so I could walk in and order a McWeiner and then ask for it to be supersized

   Footall AKA Soccer = the cure for insomnia

   "not the issue here, Dude."

   ***NEWSFLASH*** Tell ALL your female friends that I can get 100 tampons for $1.00... No Strings attached...but for a limited period ONLY!...A bloody good deal!

   I hear MJ was on a number of rx drugs, weighed 112lbs, and could barely speak moments before his death. where can I get my wife that prescription?

   🎶 ...No mask on your face You big disgrace Spreadin' your germs all over the place... 🎶

   if Mitt Romney is an Etch-A Sketch, then Rick Santorum is a Betsy Wetsy and Newt Gingrich is an EZ Bake Oven.

   Stick a fork in him, he's Dunn..

   heard CNN say that the US is sending the ship SS Ronald Regan to Japan for relief. Christ. I hope it remembers how to get there.

   Okay ladies, exercise your suck muscle ladies, it's Friday Night!

   loves how obama gives a speech to kids about the importance of school while 3/4 of the kids in the country are IN school

   Want to know how many idiots there are in America? Just count Donald "Hillbilly" Trump supporters.

   carbon based.

   so the truth come out of its eerie inhabitants

   When someone is near the edge I like to push them over so they can begin their recovery earlier

   Girls don't give you phone numbers anymore its here is my snapchat name

   If they replaced the company breathalyzer with a brainalyzer, I'd be the person working alone and everyone else sitting in HR.

   Omg. I just discovered that a FB friend of mine eats mayonnaise on her Reeses peanut butter cups and now I need to ghost her.

   My New Year's resolution is to hang out with more than two of my Facebook friends.