Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I haven't gotten a handjob in forever, but when I saw my wife beating a can of biscuits on the kitchen counter, I remebered why.

   After months of uninterrupted analysis, I am now prepared to conclude that, indeed, my laundry is not going to fold itself.

   The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them.

   If I'm ever on life support, pull the plug and plug it back in. See if that works.

   Would like to give a big shout out to people that are hard of hearing.

   would like to thank Facebook for reacquainting me not just with old friends but also with people I never liked much in the past and for reminding me why in the present.

   I think video games ruined my life. Good thing I have two extra lives...

   traffic lights turn green so fast, I cant even update my status

   Breaking News!!!!! Spongebob Square Pants found Dead in oil patch........

   Shrek beat Sex and The City at the box office this past weekend. It was quite a showdown between two very unique movies. One is about a hideous creature and all of it's friends, and the other one is Shrek.

   One day my ex-wife asked me if her new jeans made her butt look big, I said I don't know, let me jog around back there and check. Hence the ex-wife.

   why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward

   So if tomorrow is the first day of summer, that means tonight is SUMMERS EVE right? Let me know if I am being a douche...

   I stopped by the apple store and used their bathroom .. iPeed

   According to my childhood, 1 out of 3 pigs are excellent builders.

   A threesome? Nah not for me. If I wanted to horribly disappoint two other people I'd go out to dinner with my parents.

   Garage sales are the gateway drug to Walmart.

   Remember, if we get caught, you are deaf and I speak no English.

   Do you guys ever get a shooting pain across your body like someone has a voodoo doll of you & they're stabbing it? No? How about now?

   Im having a problem in Call Of Duty, I go to the menu and... alright by now the girls have stopped reading this, anyone know any good porn sites?