Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   tried to mail you something cute for christmas but the postoffice took the stamp off my butt and asked me to leave...

   The worst feeling in the world is when you are in the middle of a good story and realize no one is listening to you.

   Based on my current rate of income, I estimate a comfortable retirement about 200 years after my death.

   I wonder whose stadium will be the first to play "Who let the dogs out" when Michael Vick plays.

   Sometimes you feel like a million bucks..sometimes you feel like a foodstamp.

   just read that NASA is doing a $10 million dollar study to see if there are any dangers in a woman suffering from PMS to have her mentstrual cycle in zero gravity.... Hell yeah there are dangers. In a weightless enviorment, the physco b!tches can FLY

   My age? I'd rather not tell. Let's just say i'm somewhere between 25 and a Wal-Mart greeter.

   You mean to tell me people run? On purpose? When nobody is chasing them?

   Tonight I'm going to have my favorite drink. It's called "a lot."

   So when is this 'old enough to know better' suppose to kick in ?

   I will take a boring joke here any day over any more Zimmerman p0sts.

   Ever notice it's only "stalking" if the person doing the stalking is unattractive.

   To many Generals are taking orders from their privates

   I have no interest in skydiving. I get enough of an adrenaline rush hoping my debit card goes through.

   Wrestling is obviously fake. Why would two people fight over a belt when neither of them are wearing pants?

   I bet Jim Harbaugh used to unplug the Nintendo when his brother was winning.

   I'm just gonna let my pillow decide my hairstyle for tomorrow.

   Guys if you ever want to imagine what a woman's mind feels like imagine a browser with 2,859 tabs open. All. The. Time.

   Sometimes, I wonder if the weather app on my phone even looks outside.

   Some people grunt at the gym; I scream at the top of my lungs THEY KILLED MY FAMILY as I lift weights.