Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm not saying she's a slut.... but she got fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job ..

   I've been wracking my brain trying to remember that movie where Joe Pesci plays a hot-tempered little tough guy.

   A Baby Whirlpool Bathtub "With a calming whirlpool and massaging bubbles, your infant will enjoy a luxurious spa experience at home!" (Hey, you never know when a 5 month old may need to unwind.)

   OKAY honey don't freak out someone broke into the house, ate all the ice cream, smashed that picture of your mother, and didn't do the dishes.

   Earn extra cash from superstitious strangers by placing a wishing well in your front garden.

   am starting a go-fund-me page to gave a giraffe a c-section

   Why is a bus like a garbage truck? It makes frequent stops to pick up the trash.

   Kids consider “it’s bedtime” like it’s the first offer in the negotiation process.

   Trump has asked his senior advisors to figure out a way to combine his two favourite pastimes ... golf, and getting peed on by Russian call girls.

   Never give up on your dreams. You can go from Slovakian call girl to First Lady if you put your mind to it.

   I went from fat to fit ... but only on the "how do you compare physically to the President" scale.

   There’s no such thing as a non-terrifying Easter bunny costume.

   One time in 6th grade me and my friend got to an Easter egg hunt early and switched all the candy in the eggs with mustard and ketchup.

   Oh good YouPorn put up all their Easter themed porn.

   Already rolling my eyes in preparation for the 4/20 snap chats I get on Easter.

   I know Milk does a body good, but Damn girl how much milk you been drinking ?

   i am starting a go-fund-me page to gave a giraffe a c-section

   All voicemails from my Dad start with "HELLO! HELLO!" and end with him trying to dial another number.

   Don't give me this, "Just because I accepted your friend request, it doesn't mean I'm going to sleep with you" stuff. If I had wanted to sleep with you, it would've happened already.

   Sorry there will be no April Fools day prank coming out of the white house. They already did by putting Trump in office.