Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When a wife's deadbeat husband died. She had him cremated and his ashes placed in a 24 hour, hour-glass. He's now working 24/7 for eternity.

   ‪Please send your prayers out to the unsuspecting victim who will end up using the same cart of the guy I saw wiping his nose with his palm.

   I don't mind going to work every day and working with a bunch of a**holes. I'm a proctologist.

   Will the real Slim Shady please shut up, please shut up....

   How to save money this Halloween. Place an empty bowl out with a sign in it. "I don't share my candy. Go away!"

   I stopped eating natural foods when I found out that most people die from natural causes.

   Buying Halloween candy to hand out as an adult, is like paying back for all the free Halloween candy I got when I was a kid.

   I never make any plans unless I have a way of getting out of them.

   I was trying to think of something really deep to post on Facebook this morning: The Mariana Trench comes to mind.

   We used to be afraid people on the internet would find us in real life. Now we're terrified people in real life will find us on the internet.

   Funny how there was no mention of Harvey Weinstein on Kimmy Kimmel last night

   United States population: 323.1 million. Trinidad and Tobago population: 1.3 million. And they just eliminated us from the World Cup.

   The thing that truly makes amusement park rides scary is that you are entrusting your life to a teenager that is earning minimum wage to make sure you are securely fastened into your seat.

   Last Halloween night while at a bus stop. I saw a priest, a nun and a prostitute pass buy. Still don't know if they were wearing a costume for Halloween or not.

   You want to force people to stand for the flag? Please tell me more about this FREE country of yours?

   Living in a nudist colony, takes all the fun out of Halloween.

   When I was a kid I could climb mountians. Now I have to steady my self to fart.

   How to save money this Halloween. Place an empty bowl out with a sign. Please only take one piece of candy.

   Pepsi is now pulling its sponsorship of the Miami Dolphins, after hearing they prefer Coke!

   I know it's early..but I often forget things, so I've just written my letter to Santa, warning him not to drink the milk at Bill Cosby's place!!