Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I want a red rider 200 shot carbine action range model air rifle with a compass and this thing which tells time built right in the stock.

   airing of grievances and the demonstration of feats of strength started TODAY you moron! if you're going to TRY to be funny atleast be accurate! D-BAG

   super glued Al Gore's mouth in an effort to prevent further global warming

   asked Santa Claus for a boyfriend this Christmas... He gave me a rain check instead... lol :)

   looking forward to the family tradition of listening to the UK's No 1 after Xmas dinner. Can't wait to see the look on my mum's face!

   doesn't need to go to the gym, he gets enough exercises by pushing his luck, jumping into conclusions and letting his mind run wild!!!

   Dear Santa, Define Good. Love X

   read a Chinese newspaper at lunch. After I was done, I felt the need to read another newspaper.

   the airing of grievances and the demonstration of feats of strength will begin exactly at 8.00 p.m tommorrow...........dont forget to shine your pole..........

   Washington D.C. got a ton of snow last weekend. When it snows hard enough in D.C., the city shuts down and Congress can't get anything done. You know, sort of like when it's not snowing.

   in 2013 i'm gonna watch 2012 and laugh

   wants to remind you that we only have to be good for one more day.

   I'm gonna give you to the count of 10 to get your get your ugly yellow no good kester off my property, before I pump your gust full of led 1....2.... 10

   To America's welfare recipients..."your welcome for a great year and a free Christmas"...from the rest of us hard working Americans that work for hard your well being every day.  

   i wonder why, I never wondered why the easiest things are so hard

   that if you were pots and pans, he'd bang you on New Year's Eve.

   I just accidentally dropped a bowling ball on my bed and my wine glass fell over. I wish I had Tempur-pedic bed

   Just left Walmart, to get out of there, I had to strangle 6 moms, run over 12 kids, and kick 1 grandma in a scooter. There goes my present from Santa.

   poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

   Dont sweat the petty things, Pet the sweaty things