Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   a woman may be as wicked as she likes, but unless she is pretty it will not do her any good

   What did the hurricane say 2 the coconut tree? Hold onto your nuts,this is no ordinary blow job...

   Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times - three of those times I was reading it.

   's dog was staring at him.....So I stared back....he laughed.....I'm scared

   wifes cooking is so bad that the flies pitched in to fix the screen door. I leave dental floss in the kitchen and watch the roaches hang themselves.

   All I need are some tasty waves, a cool buzz, and I'm fine....

   would like "Reasons I Don't Want To Be At Work Today" for $200, Alex.

   So I woke up today, hungover as hell, to an unexpected pizza delivery. Last night, in a completely black out drunken stupor, I pre-ordered pizza online to be delivered at noon. I. . Rule.

   Thinks Karma needs a GPS, since it finds those who don't deserve it and gets lost en route to those who do!!!

   I fear the day Facebook decides to inform users of who has viewed their profile...and how many times.

   Upon stubbing my toe while at my parents house, I yelled out "Mother Fucker!" at that my dad responded "Present!"... as gross as that was, I had to high five him.

   .... To the guy at Sam's club: thanks for parking in all 4 spots...I'm the one who thought that big empty space was the carriage return... Oops. How'd that work out for you d*#k head????

   the only thing worse than mom jeans are mom genes

   How do you tell whether your wife or your dog likes you more? ... Lock them both in the trunk and when you open it later see which one is happy to see you.

   Skinny jeans aren't for everybody...

   With all the farm building and mafia hits, no wonder you don't have time to find a job.

   America, home of the brave...land of the broke!

   Don't hate me because I´m good, hate me because I know it!!!

   Adam's first words to Eve: "Stand back, I don`t know how big this thing gets!"

   my ex-girlfriend is a famous porn star. But would she be pissed if she found out