Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A guy who takes his wife swimming at a shark infested beach when it's that time of the month has a hidden agenda.

   Grrrr, just poured hot coffee on a cup that was upside down.

   Just because a few people of questionable eyesight and judgment say you are pretty does not automatically make you a model.

   It sad when you realize that even your hideously ugly friend is in a relationship and you are still single and dateless.

   I'm not rude...I just wasn't taught to politely pretend to be nice to people I can't stand.

   When a thief kisses you, count your teeth.

   Cesar Millan's tactics work perfectly fine on teenagers just as much as they work on dogs.

   Worst feeling ever : taking a sh!t in a public bathroom and getting your a$$hole splashed with toilet water.

   Cesar Millan is amazing as The Dog Whisperer but I'm not gonna be really impressed until a show called "Rebellious Teenager Whisperer" comes out.

   Most wives don't want to hear their husband's opinion. They want to hear their own opinion- in their husband's voice.

   After watching Star Wars for the thousanth time I noticed Chewbacca is always wearing a purse. Now I wonder if he was actually a sidekick or the "competion" for Princess Leia

   Putting a friends name on your status update box on accident while searching for them is pretty funny for all your friends and family to see. Unless your friend is a Porn Site.

   In my life, I have gotten much more useful and practical advice from Cesar Millan the dog whisperer than I have gotten from Dr. Phil.

   The best way to get your teenage son to roll his eyes is show him your "Jedi Powers" by waving your hand in front of the automatic doors at Target.

   I accept exceptions except when accepting them would be unacceptable because I'm exceptional.

   I don't believe it's merely a coincidence the the letters in Frito Lay can be rearranged to spell "oily fart".

   Who ever made up the term "marital bliss" probably was the same genius who made up other phrases like military intelligence, pretty ugly, and authentic reproduction.

   Single? No, I'm just in a relationship with freedom.

   No strings attached, your love is so wi-fi

   Dear vegetarians, my food sh!ts on your food.