Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear Picky Coworker, Watching you order and customize every aspect of your entrée even going off menu makes us fear what the staff will do to our food. Keep doing this and we'll spit on your plate ourselves. Sincerely, Your Tablemates.

   Nothing says “I need a swift steel-toed kick to the crotch!” like people who silently watch and say nothing as someone is bullied... Except maybe parents who give their children weird @ss names.

   Why thank you for the nausea Halitosis Man!... Hopefully you'll be around to save me with your super powered sh!t breath if I ever accidentally swallow poison.

   When you hear a classic song on TV pimping the Swiffer and you tell your kid you think it's cool, then you are officially a nerdy parent.

   Roses are Red, Nuts are brown, Skirts go Up, Pants go Down, Body to Body, Skin to Skin, When it is Stiff, Stick it In, The Longer its In, The stronger it Gets, It goes in Dry, Comes out Wet, It comes out dripping,and it starts to Sag, Its a teabag

   Facebook has Peter Principled. It has risen to its own level of incompetence. The cracks are in the foundation. It's doomed. Remember MySpace? Come to think of it. Neither do I.

   People have got to stop saying "LIFE SUCKS"... because my husband is now saying he wished he had a LIFE!

   guess ima get ahead start and get google+ account because facebook drawlin

   I hope Al Quaeda don't start putting bombs in cans of alphabet soup If one explodes......it could spell disaster.

   Oh NO , facebook will be charging ... Do you know what , if it gets rid of you retards who re-post that rubbish I think it will be worth it ...

   FACEBOOK IS GOING TO START CHARGING FOR THEIR SERVICES!!! All money sent should be mailed to my home address.

   Spread you open slowly Lick you with my tongue Dip you in my milk..... Damn oreos are good!

   Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom

   I am dark and handsome. When it's dark, I'm handsome.

   My wife says I'm too nosey... at least, that's what she wrote in her diary.

   Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he's being told where to deliver the ransom money

   Who else puts LOL or LMAO or ROFL knowing good and damn well your sitting there with a straight face

   I love when you go down on me! you relieve so much stress and tension but when I feel it getting good you go back up.... DAMN GAS PRICES!

   "Monday" like Jerry Seinfeld says "Newman!"

   Brass Monkey - That funky Monkey Brass Monkey - Junkie That funky Monkey. That's funny, right? No? Dang.