Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife told me she was going to leave me if I didn't quit making Linkin Park references. Slightly concerned, but in the end it doesn't even matter

   They say you are what you eat but I don't remember eating a sexy beast.

   The most annoying thing is when you get a pimple on your nose, like I would rather get a pimple any where else but...

   that moment when your standing out in the dark waiting for the bus and its a No school day..

   Don't you wish common sense would make a big comeback.

   Chat line commercials ,,those hot babes getting all sexed up to talk on the phone...yeah right ,guys give your head a shake.!!!!

   Your manners slowly disappear the more you have to repeat something. Example: Can you pass the salt? The salt, can you pass it. No. The SALT. GIVE ME THE SALT!

   Admit it, at least once you have sat in school and strategized about singlehandedly saving the class if a madman with a gun showed up.

   When I die I want to be buried with my a$$ sticking out of the ground, not so they can kiss it, but so people have a place to park their bikes when they come to visit.

   I'm a proud supporter of the Occupy sesame street protest.

   I totally agree with the person above lets go to Wall Street with our iphones and record....those cops are gonna be on some Rodney King Sh*t

   She's been pounded more times than Johnny Bench's catchers mitt

   i think we should go to Zuccoti Park in the morning to record how the cops are gonna mistreat the protester!!!!

   We should feed tuna fish mayonnaise, thereby saving a step in the sandwich making process

   Every year at this time I question who decided this Halloween candy is the "Fun" size. These people must really live a boring existence.

   Its a bit awkward when you don't realize how many curse words and sexual innuendos a song has in it until you're in the car listening to it...with your grandma

   What do you do when your three year old is clinging? Toss her in the dryer with some fabric softener of course!

   school sux more d than the girls that attend it

   I finally slept with my HS Crush but it's kind of weird now because she wants me to go to her graduation.

   Don't you hate it when you're right, but you're the only person in the room that knows it, so as far as everyone is concerned, you're just wrong.