Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't trust this 'would you like cash back' bullsh!t. I'm trying to give you my money, but you're also trying to give me my money? Weird.

   I gave a homeless lady $5. Friend said I shouldn't because the lady will only buy booze with it. I said So? That's what I'd buy too. You'd have to be pretty drunk to sleep on the concrete.

   I'll call it a "smart phone" the day I yell, "Where's my freaking phone?!" and it answers, "I'm here! Under your jacket!"

   Manslaughter: The sound a man makes when laughing.

   How long do you have to wear a soul patch before your cravings for souls goes away completely?

   Contribute to my Kickstarter campaign! We're raising as much bacon as it takes for Carnie Wilson to finally reunite with Wilson Phillips.

   There's a very short list of things you can have in your hand while running without looking crazy.

   I wanna build a house on the graves of the two dead kids from Poltergeist.

   Experience is cruel ! It gives the test before the lesson !

   To some people iPhones are like a religion. They don't know how it works, but it gives them something to cling to, so their life has meaning.

   i got addicted to nicotine gum..now I smoke trying to kick the habbit...

   You know when the police arrive at your job at 9am on a Monday... Its going to be an interesting day.

   People who put a new roll of t.p. on top of a cardboard applicator are far worse...

   People who put the toilet paper roll facing in are the worst human beings.

   If your camp counselor ever used the phrase "Whatever happens at camp, stays at camp", you we're probably molested.

   How come people that should never be allowed to reproduce have the most kids?

   FACT: If you clip your cell phone to your belt, your chances of getting laid decreases by 97%.

   This orange juice tastes weird without vodka.

   Remember children; A book commits suicide every time you watch Jersey Shore.

   Just been told I'm not sexist. Being sexist is wrong and being wrong is for women.