Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I feel bad for people that dont drink, because when you wake up in the morning thats the best your going to feel all day.

   Ahhhh My Facebook wall filled with pics of new lap tops, cellphones, cameras and countless trips to the tattoo parlor. There is either a sale at Walmart or its Tax time in America!

   My extra sensitive toothpaste doesn't like it when I use other toothpastes.

   going to the stripclub and not getting a lapdance is like going to disneyland and not getting the mickey mouse ears

   That high horse you think you're sitting on, is really a low donkey.

   Girl's idea of Valentine's Day. (っ˘з(˘.˘ )♥ Guy's idea of Valentine's Day ( • )( •ԅ(ˆ⌣ˆԅ)

   the only kind of job available these days is a hand job

   Skinny women run the world because fat women don't run.

   Instead of candy for your valentine why not liquor instead. ~Sign outside of a liquor store

   Roses are red, Grass is greener, When I think of you, I play with my weiner!

   New Trojan add: When you want the meat but not the gravy.

   A great thing about being single is never having to erase your history tab.

   In order to raise my performance at work I've decided to lower the companies standards.

   I only eat local... that's why I never go down on girls that are just visiting town.

   If women want equal rights, they can start putting the toilet seat down themselves.

   I like my coffee so dark it gets beaten up by the police.

   Muggers are gay. I mean how does a grown ass man want my purse?

   I don't care if I'm buried or cremated, as long as I never die.

   I still make the "Jerk~off" motion when someone is talking WAY too long & looks away from me!

   A guy walks into a bar with a toad on his head. The bartender says, "Jesus fella, what happened to you?" The toad says, "It all started with a wart on the ass!"