Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Danica Patrick is on the pole, is the best thing I've heard about NASCAR Nationwide Series Ever!

   I just saved a ton of jail time by switching to Chris Brown!

   going to upload a cat picture, but I don't like them!

   Throwing ice at people who need to chill the fu@k out.

   Birthdays back then: Wow! Look at all these presents!. Birthdays now : Wow damn look at all these notifications!.

   Always be yourself, unless you can be a penguin. Then always be a penguin.

   My girlfriend just caught me blow drying my pen!s and asked me what was I doing...apparently "heating your dinner" wasn't the right answer.

   I wasnt that drunk man. Dude you asked a bum if you could bum a cig.

   Why can't Danzig have a normal lunch box like every other kid?

   Ive been to the good side. The cookies were stale.

   The biggest lie I tell myself is “I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it”

   What the sign says: DO NOT TOUCH What my kids read: Touch when nobody is looking

   since mens undershirts are called wife beaters, women should call their brasseirs nut crackers

   sometimes...the nut doesnt fall far from the sack

   Facebook is a major city, Twitter is a vacation spot, and My space is a ghost town.

   Guys note: When a woman offers to help you paint your bedroom ceiling, she means butterflies and flowers using Dutch Boy and a brush.

   Oh, you wear a NORTHFACE Jacket ? You must go on sooo many adventures......

   what's black and white and red all over? A newspaper for people who can't spell well!

   asked by an employee for a raise...so I gave him a baby-booster seat

   called work and called in sick. I was told I cannot as I have taken all my entitled sick leave. I said "No...I meant I'm calling in as sick from work"