Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Jingle bells, my foot smells, I pulled it from your ass. Get a beer and bring it here then pour it in a glass. - My Christmas song.

   I'm too lazy to I throw my hands up in the air and wave them like I just don't care. THAT'S how much I don't care!

   The FedEx lady would not take my package and told me to put my pants back on and quit calling her unless I need to ship an order.

   Right before I die, I'm getting my hand stamped,,,,, Just in case I wanna come back in again.

   Going "balls to the wall" is something that I will never ever ever ever EVER do, cuz... youch!

   Well, it's about that time of the day when I stop hitting the snooze button, wipe away the drool, open the blinds, and head on home from work.

   I saw my ex girlfriend broken down with two flat tires this morning which made me late for work... Nine times I drove past before she noticed me laughing at her.

   "Will you love me forever?" She asked. "Of course." I replied, lying beside her...

   You call it lazy. I call it keeping housekeepers employed...

   Will you be mine? Blink for yes, lick your elbow for no. ;)

   NEWS: Scientists discover that doves can't cry............ Prince stripped of high school diploma.......

   Spelling bees think they're better than the illiterate bees.......... ( Sorry, I'll just let myself out..)

   My god you'd think a ship sank about 100 years ago or something.

   Ever feel like ur a vibrator? Good enough to stick up someone's ass to please them and then ur tossed into a drawer until you good enought to be used again!

   If we all end up in prison one day for illegal music downloads, I can only hope that they divide us by music genres.

   Zimmerman's new lawyer has issued a statement stating that ''Mr.Zimmerman said that he is sorry for shooting and Killing Trayvon Martin and that it won't happen again''.

   I am sick of women saying men can't multi task! I can tell my wife that her ass don't look fat in those jeans and keep a straight face at the same time.

   Hey blockbuster..theres netflix now we don't need you ...thats what you get for having late charges see yah welcome to the future.!!

   A successful relationship is one in which one person shuts up when the other is right.

   There's nothing like shaving off your beard to remind everybody why your face needed a beard