Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I call my lovemaking technique the "Bond Martini" because it leaves women shaken, not stirred.

   Hmmm,, So what you're saying, is that if the parrot is on his right shoulder,,, he's a butt pirate?.. Ummm, I'm only here to get my parking validated.

   The guy behind me has a theory that driving his car up my arse will make the 20 cars in front of me speed up.. Hmmm,, It's just crazy enough to work.

   This bottle of beer is not only delicious,,,, It also contains almost 10% of my daily requirement of beer...

   My doctor told me that I'm healthy enough for sex but he thinks it would ruin our relationship,, and since things are already kinda strained ......... No..

   I think as part of the lap band surgery process you should have to fly to Ethiopia,,, and tell 10 people what it is and why you need it.

   Turns out black ice causes 70% of wrecks in the winter. They should rename it asian ice.

   wondering why in the year 2012 , My smoke detector can't decipher the difference between boiling water and and a real fire !

   I wonder if the clothes in China say "made around the corner "

   ( -_-) ( -_-) ( -_-) ( -_-) ( -_-) ( -_-) (O.O) (-_- ) (-_- ) (-_- ) (-_- ) (-_- ) (-_- ) Opening a pack of gum at school.

   The correct measurement of toilette paper is from the dispenser to the floor for two-ply, and dispenser to the floor with a half turn for single.

   That uneasy moment when you look in the mirror while crying and you just start crying more.

   Whenever I drop something edible I just call my dog over to clean it up.

   My wife has asked me to get her some gloves to wear at her mother's funeral. Does anyone know where I can buy those giant foam fingers?

   Does anyone else on Twitter feel like they are being followed?

   Oh, you love your boyfriend? Please, go ahead and saturate my Facebook news feed with your feelings.

   I'd love to ram a big black dild0 up John Terry's ass.

   It looks like you also lost a considerable amount of brain cells when you slipped and fell on that black ice you r@cist a$$hole!

   BREAKING NEWS: 200 DC Politicians were spotted at the air port headed to Cartenega, Colombia on a fact finding mission lead by Bill Clinton.

   When you accidentally like a stranger's picture as you scroll on your smart phone.#stalkerfail