Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA" - reverse psychology

   It's not too late to start convincing our grandchildren that the world really did end in 2012 and we're the survivors.

   My gardening skills improved since the quarantine. I planted myself on the couch in April and have grown bigger ever since

   You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.

   My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no

   Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.

   If you’re gonna tell me how to parent my kids, I’m gonna send one home with you.

   I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.

   If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?

   This summer everyone should wear sunscreen, so the person next to you won't get sunburned.

   If a couple of rental property owners refuse to pay for maintenance, that's "the evil of two lessors."

   I've had just about enough of the "avocado this", "avocado that" stuff. Somebody please get me a calzone with sausage and pepperoni. 😛

   I get so confused when I'm about to watch a TV show or movie and "For Mature Audiences Only" appears on the screen..... Can I watch or not?

   My husband has finally come out of the closet..... He has been a Carpenters fan since he was 13........

   Overactive Bladder Hotline. Can you hold, please?

   If our body temperature is normally 98.6 degrees, how come when it's 98 degrees outside, no one is comfortable?

   I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.

   Dear Televised Sports Injury, We saw it the first time. Thanks.

   So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.

   It is disgusting that auto-flush toilets cannot tell the difference between a person who is peeing and a person who is crouching down to take a sip of water.