Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Mexican words of the day: Bishop and Lysol. “Would you please shut this Kamala Bishop, she Lysol the time.

   If I owned a taser, I’d probably get curious to see how it feels and taser myself… and that’s why I don’t own a taser.

   If anyone gets a message from me about canned meat don't open it. It's spam.

   Jury Duty is where the government calls you when they want and says, "Hey Bro, we need you to solve a murder, here's $15.00."

   Affiliate belong to or Blog Website Just a FEW Clicks Away all for forgive start Today!

   Got the results of my history exam. Past.

   Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.

   Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.

   My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.

   Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, maybe you’ll hit a billionaire’s rocket ship

   *on hold for over an hour That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.

   I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years

   My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.

   I may have a big ego, but at least it's not, "use a sharpie to alter a National Weather Service Map because I couldn't handle speaking in error" big.

   Pfizer: raising the deads (viagra) and now saving the livings (vac)

   I find it suspicious that the un-vaccinated are now getting the worst of the virus. Just joking, I'm not that stupid to think it's suspicious.

   if sunflower oil is made of sunflowers and vegetable oil is made of vegetables, whats baby oil made of?

   If I gotta wait a half hour after eating before getting in the pool, let’s face it, I’m never getting in the pool.

   Why a billionaire is asking for help to pay his legal expenses? you can't be that stupid right?

   "The Greek Freak forgot the recipe to success. You run team to team chasing championships." Lebron James