Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1206 of 6454

Remember kids, with that Bachelors Degree you can run the fry machine, but with a Masters you can start as Assistant Manager.
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08-04-2016 14:29
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Quick Question: How can I protect my family online without the gun emoji?
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08-04-2016 14:28
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If you can't make it down to Rio and want to get the authentic Olympic diving experience, just stick your head in a Porta Potty.
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08-04-2016 14:27
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The joys of a relationship include waiting for them to fall asleep so you can have some me time.
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08-04-2016 14:26
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If you're not my friend, click like then copy and paste this on your timeline. If we're truly friends, do nothing. I'd never insult your intelligence with such a ridiculous command.
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08-04-2016 14:26 by Mickey
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Miss Teen USA Karlie Hay says using racial slurs online was a "careless mistake." And promises to only use them privately from now on.
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08-04-2016 14:25
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I think I just caught Scott Stapp on Pokemon Go.
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08-04-2016 14:24
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Instead of Olympic Gold, Silver or Bronze medals, winners receive copies of a Purple Heart made in China. Losers are fired.
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08-04-2016 14:24
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"Thank God we all have such insanely uninformed political opinions and tons of social media platforms on which to post them." -America
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08-04-2016 14:22
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Just lost 15 pounds which subsequently is how much my hopes and dreams weighed.
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08-04-2016 14:20
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I would like to announce my candidacy for mayor of Facebook.
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08-04-2016 12:48 by gil
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Single woman, 29, into parachuting, mountain climbing, skiing, track and field. Has slight limp.
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08-04-2016 12:41 by Fazzella
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Some woman just gave me a hard time for smoking my whole life. She said if I didn't smoke, I could afford a Maserati. I asked her if she ever smoked and she said, "Never." I go, "Where's your Maserati?"
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08-04-2016 12:38 by Fazzella
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It isn't Hillary who I can't stand...it's her fans.
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08-04-2016 12:34
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FOUND CAT: Orange tabby found off River rd. yesterday,,, Approximately 8 lbs,,, No collar,,, Tasted like chicken. .. Please call 892-****
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08-04-2016 11:45 by snotty
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You can only say ''WTF?'' so many times a day until you just decide to start drinking.
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08-04-2016 10:00
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Trump or Hillary? Top socket or bottom socket?
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08-04-2016 09:53
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A woman would always comment LAMO on my posts. I finally said, "It's LMAO." She goes, "No, I mean LAMO, as in, "Your jokes are Lame-o!" (Okay, I made that up but let's face it, my jokes are so dry I have to serve water with them.)
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08-04-2016 09:20 by Fazzella
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If I'm ever found dead in the mountains with a pair of hiking sandals on my feet, know that I was murdered & made to wear some dork's shoes.
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08-04-2016 07:37 by huck
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The saying "More than one way to skin a cat" Probably came from a Chinese food restaurant owner
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08-04-2016 04:33 by @DJPhatJ
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