Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I going to wear my Pinocchio G-string underwear to bed..... and tell my wife to tell me lies,,,,,,, tell me sweet little lies!!!!!!!...I will let you know how it goes.... LOL :-)

   Nobody in this world can be as patient as Ted Mosby's children.

   she's so sexy I won't let her in the bathroom with me for the fear of wet ceiling tiles, RJ

   In the end, girls really just want one thing from guys, all of our hoodies.

   Berlusconi is out of office. Lock up your daughters.

   A woman never knows what she really wants until she finds out what her husband cannot afford.

   The friend zone: where good soldiers go to die.

   If my relationship status ever changes from single to married, please know that its not me, my account has been hacked.

   Makes you wonder if Cedar Point tourism will be down next year. Pretty sure no kid is gonna be too excited to go see Sandusky...

   I just saw a headline saying, "Is Rebecca Black pregnant?" & all I could think of was that I guess she chose the back seat.

   The best nicknames are the ones people don't know they have.

   Hey, law enforcement. Arrest and question every middle aged man owning a tan windbreaker. I have a hunch.

   MURDERERS: Don't button your shirt all the way up to the top button or people will know you're a murderer.

   My printer is louder than the original printing press.

   "To generalize is to be an idiot." - William Blake, or one of those other poet guys.

   Shouting "Ewok porn!" during a brainstorming session is neither "productive" nor "funny" apparently.

   If I had an anal fissure, I would go around bragging, “I'm so ripped.”

   Excuse me.....Excuse me.....excuSE ME....MOVE B!TCH!

   I am a tireless advocate for sitting quietly by while others try do stuff about whatever that stuff is they care about.

   #fatgirlstrippernames: Dolores Umbridge... and now your life is scarred forever with that mental image.