Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   the art of being wise is the art of knowing what to overlook!!!

   My favorite part of a marathon is watching the reaction of runners who grab my plastic cup of vodka.

   Money can't buy you happiness but I'd rather be unhappy and in a Bentley

   If Casey Anthony writes a book called "If I did it", I will snap.

   The one thing I'm taking away from The whole Casey Anthony verdict debacle is the fact that Facebook and Twitter are the modern day equivalent of pitchforks and torches.

   Natalie Portman has named her newborn son Alef. Like the kid wasn't going to get beaten up enough for mom helping to ruin Star Wars.

   It's weird how a crazy white woman gets away with murder and we STILL don't know who killed Tupac o.O

   If I call Customer Service, and they say, “This call is being recorded for training purposes,” I make sure to say “motherf*cker” a lot. I'm sure they don't get enough training on that.

   I just saw a woman in a pair of Daisy Dukes. Unfortunately, she looked like Boss Hogg.

   My colleague just told me that her grandmother or cat or something just died... the booger in her nose was so huge I couldn't focus.

   Sometimes it takes a friend to tell you to get your head out of your ass, here's to you my friend!

   I heard they're going to be opening up dentist offices in Walmart. They are even including an express lane for people with 15 teeth or less!

   How many blondes does it take to change a diaper? I don't f*ckin' know ask Hugh Hefner

   This morning a girl on my friends list wrote as her Facebook status "F*CKING PHONE!!!" I'll admit now that asking "Can I watch?" was not really my smartest choice.

   In hindsight, saying "goochie goochie goo" while tickling my girlfriend's clitoris was probably a bad idea.

   I don't mind if you play hard to get, as long as you don't play hard to get rid of.

   tiger woods favorite song is "Black and Yellow" cause he is half black and asian

   The sad reality is, after 16 & Pregnant, Teen Mom and Jersey Shore, "Milf-Murder Acquittals" was probably going to be the next MTV hit anyways..

   I wear my glasses to the liquor store in an effort to appear responsible.

   As I watch this Spider walk across my floor, I wonder if his Spidey senses are telling him, he's f*cked