Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Betty White naked...whoops this isnt Google..

   That awkward moment when a stranger asks to borrow your cell to make a quick call. No good reason to say NO, but in your head you're thinking of every excuse in the book. "Sorry, I work for the FBI and cant allow any unauthorized person to use my phone."

   LIKE if you do this: Waking up and checking your Facebook like its the morning paper.

   Love is one long sweet dream… and marriage is the alarm clock.

   Made it through another day without having to know karate.

   Be careful when it comes to reincarnation…. one time I asked to be a singer and I spent 30 years as a sewing machine.

   Just put my money where my mouth is. Pennies taste disgusting.

   just spent 30 minutes entering ridiculous symptoms into WebMD and it diagnosed me as having no life and being immature. Pshhh!

   I'm not weird, I'm normal... You're just not used to me.

   Rock a bye baby on the tree top, when the wind blows the cradle will rock, when the bough breaks the cradle will fall, and down will come baby, cradle and all. Really? Why the hell did you put you kid in a tree for anyway?

   Alot of people look up to me... Mostly midgets and children, but its just nice knowing that...

   "I'm a Flirt In A Skirt, A Tease If Past My Knees & A Slut If Past My Butt"

   Don't you HATE it when your ex says to you "I'm here if you ever need me". Where the f**k were you when we were together and I needed you?

   What I hate most about winter is people coming to bed and touching me their ice cold toes. I know you got your sexy on, but for god's sake wear some socks.

   • My life. My choices. My mistakes. My lessons. Not your business.

   I am having one of those days where my middle finger answers every question.

   I don't get in trouble, I just get into questionable situations.

   After I was born the Doctor had to slap my ass to get me breathing, I was so pissed after that I didn't speak to anyone for almost two years

   A lot of people look up to me.....it's nice being tall.

   _______ _. _____ died June 7, 2011 at the age of __. He was the _______ of ___ Libs. (RIP Leonard B. Stern)