Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   gonna go out and make a difference in the life of America's youth tonight!!! There is a lot of teachable amounts in the champagn room

   Never argue with a fool, they will lower you to their level and then beat you with experience.

   I won't get angry at you today... I just learned it's "Be kind to Animals Week"!

   I found $40 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy dart guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, dart guns and candy".

   anyone else think Scotty from American Idol looks like Alfred E Newman from Mad Magazine???

   Dear windshield wipers,...You cant touch this.....Sincerely, The triangle

   they say there is more fish in the sea....im not sure what bait to use and I sure in the hell dont wanna catch any crabs...

   Alcohol does NOT make you fat…it makes you lean…against tables,chairs,walls, floors and ….Ugly people!!!

   But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.

   That girl is a LOBSTER! All the meat is in the tail.

   “There's always more fish in the sea.” Well that's fine…if you want a fish with 3 eyes and 5 fins due to all the radiation in the sea now.

   slept like an aircraft controller.

   I see my self as a crayon, maybe I'm not yourr favorite color, but one day you will need me to complete your picture.

   some people have a way with words other people have not way.

   Don't Mind Me Just Trying to Find the name on the back of your Girl Jeans

   Nothing in the world is more expensive than a women who's free for the weekend

   I wonder whether I can trust doctors with dead plants in the waiting room.

   When a man signals a woman to walk in front & says, “Ladies first” it really means “Go ahead. I'll stand back & watch how your ass walks.”

   Facebook : "a stalkers dream come true"

   Whenever I see a sock puppet... I wonder if he might be my long-lost son from one of my countless affairs with socks.