Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If your lawyer has a ponytail or a cowboy hat, you're a$$ is going to jail.

   Every girl needs a good guy to help her laugh when she thinks she`ll never smile again.

   You remind me of my pinkie toe because I know I'm eventually going to bang you on every piece of furniture in my place.

   Boobs are to men what Fisher-Price stacking rings are to babies. They feel good, are fun to play with, and always wind up in the mouth.

   This wrinkle cream made my balls look like some weird balloon animal.

   Licking whiskey off your keyboard in the morning is something everyone does, right?

   Having dinner with my phone and some people.

   Hit "Like" if you're tired of everyone on Facebook telling you to hit "Like."

   "Hey girls, stop doing that thing with your lips when you take pictures. You're making us look stupid." - ducks

   one mans trash is another mans girlfriend

   Looks like somebody ate a bowl of b*tchflakes this morning.

   When someone says, "What is this world coming to?" I like to reply, "mostly internet porn."

   I did not fall! The floor looked sad, so I gave it a hug!!

   Sometimes I see a cute kid and think "someday I might want one of those". But then I realize that I say the same thing about monkeys and rocketships and the feeling goes away.

   wishes everyone involved in the Global Warming debate would all just Chill Out.

   heard the Japanese have invented a camera with a shutter so fast that it can actually photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

   I think 3 left-handed monkeys, a shaved llama and pigeon with diarrhea could do a better job on designing the fb layout.

   Finally got around to deleting my Twitter account today. It could be that I just paraniod, but I swear somebody was following me...

   forgot how delicious Vanilla pudding Snack Packs are and regrets to inform his children that they will not be making it to their lunch boxes.

   Friend: Someone who draws on your face while passed out. True Friend: Someone who posts pictures of said drawings on Facebook.