Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   i thoguht of a good halloween costume...rent the horse costume but only wear the back half...tell everyone "im my ex"

   You might be a redneck if : the Halloween pumpkin on you porch has more teeth than your spouse .

   When someone threatens me I try to diffuse the situation with humor and then punch them in the throat while their laughing.

   I thought you were good looking, until I clicked "view more pictures"

   My stomach just growled so hard I thought I was getting a text message.

   Every girl has 3 personalities: 1) When she's with her family. 2) When she's with her friends. 3) When she's with HIM.

   Kanye West should open a breakfast restaurant called "Omelette You Finish"

   When ever I eat out at McDonald's, I like to have a Happy Meal... So I leave the wife and kids at home.

   BRB Means I'm not really going anywhere, but neither is this conversation..

   Remember the protests back in 2011 when Obama stopped the Iraqi refugees from entering the States for six months? Neither do I.

   Oh, you hate when guys stare at your boobs? You should call the police and report the person who ripped your top three buttons open then.

   MIA No name, talent-less, trashy, low life, that can't sing will make millions by giving everyone the bird. What a low class piece of trash.

   Find a girl you hate on Facebook. Go through all her summer photos and comment LOL on all the ones of her in a bikini. So fun. Not illegal.

   Welcome 2012 !! We hope that you do to us what 2011 did to Mobile Phones - Made them Thinner and Smarter !!

   Nothing is sexier than knowing the person you're with can be with anyone they want and they chose you.

   'People were meant to be loved & things were meant to be used. The confusion in this world is that people are used and things are loved!'

   A relationship without trust is like having a phone with no service & what you do with a phone w. no service ? You play games

   People only bring up your past when they are intimidated by your present!

   I gave my wife a gluestick instead of chapstick last weekend and she's still not talking to me.

   All I've ever really wanted is a nice little home inside a volcano on an island shaped like a skull. And some nuclear warheads.